Age is not Synonymous with Maturity

>> Let's get this out of the way: this is not an anti-male, anti-female, or anti-fun post. This is an anti-immaturity post. It's a post about grown ups not acting their age, yet expecting to be treated and respected as adults. It's about the idea that age is often equated with maturity, despite the fact that one often has very little to do with the other. <<

Everyone wants to grow up. When we're in elementary school, we can't wait to leave it all behind & be a teenager. When that happens, we look up to all the high schoolers who can drive themselves anywhere they want. When we're behind our own set of wheels, we look to the 18 year old seniors and think of how grand their lives must be. But then we turn 18 and can't keep our sights on high school anymore-- we only have eyes for college & the independence that comes with it. So then college happens & we are impatient to start our major-specific course load, you know, the one that will launch us into the real world with expertise and know-how. And so the process continues. From about 4th grade on (and who knows, maybe even earlier for some of us), we can't wait to grow up and have the things grown ups have. Staying up as late as we want. Having sleepovers without having to ask for permission. Money. Success. Renown. We can't wait to be on our own, making it in the real world, in charge of our own lives. Being a grown up looks shiny. So we continue looking toward whatever it is that we find better than our current situation & then strive for it.

Except there's one problem: a lot of us don't actually grow up. We age literally, sure. The number of candles on our cakes and the number we tell people when they ask increases each year, of course. But a lot of us don't grow up. Boys can't wait to be men & girls can't wait to be women, but a lot of us continue to act like children. A lot of us don't accept the responsibilities we were so sure we were ready for in earlier years. We didn't realize that being a grown up means Accountability. Bills. Gumption. Budgets. Life changing predicaments. Being the bigger person. Once we realize what being an adult entails, something clicks and and a lot of us want to go back to the days of nap and snack time in Kindergarten. It's safe there. Who can blame us? 

A lot of us are children trapped inside the bodies of grown ups. A lot of us are drowning in what we're convinced life owes us, and the responsibilities don't look the way we pictured them. When this happens, we don't know how to manage because all we know how to do is call our mom and ask her to tell us what to do. All we know how to do is hope it works itself out. All we know how to do is lash out and make others feel small. All we know how to do is worry about all the stress instead of attacking it with a game plan.

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A lot of kids out there are more mature than we are. A lot of growth and change and transformation is happening inside the bodies of 16 and 17 year old adults, but we don't acknowledge them as adults because their age is not a number we associate with that term. Funny isn't it? Maybe funny is the wrong word here. Sad is probably the better fit.

I can't tell you how many times I've been blown away by the maturity of some of my high school students. Can't tell you how often I sit back and marvel at the beauty of it. Of them. Yet my students, adults in my book, are so often disregarded as kids because they aren't "of age." What??

Sure, there are immature kids out there. Yes, my high school students are high school students at heart and probably have limited life experiences in comparison to the teachers in the building. Yes, they have dramatic, end-of-the-world moments and silly fights with their best friends. Yes, time management may not be all of their strong suits just yet. But just because I have more life experience, more practice, and have been alive longer doesn't mean I've earned the right to be considered a mature, well-adjusted adult. It doesn't mean they have earned the label of immature, flighty kids.They know things. They think about things. They're smarter than we give them credit for.

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Even at a young age, we feel entitled to respect & responsibility & love. We feel like wanting something is justification enough to get it. Me me me. We talk a big game about how much we want to be put first in a relationship, how special it is to be considered, how we want someone to text first, call first, make plans first. We don't consider that others think & feel the same things. We're so focused on what we want from everyone else that we're distracted from being that same person for other people. Maybe the things we're so sure we're entitled to are misguided. Maybe loving each other well is the best way to be treated well. If we act like grown ups and love deeply, instead of like children playing at the idea & loving selfishly, we'll reap the benefits of maturity.

As far as I'm concerned, twentysomething girls don't get to whine about how men aren't purposefully pursuing them. Lack of pursuit often means there's a lack of desire. Which makes sense, because being a childish diva isn't attractive. Plus, if you really think about it, none of us wants a grown man who pursues little girls anyway. Oh, and we have to stop playing games. No one really ever wins with those. We must grow up.

Boys, you will not be treated like men until you act like men. Pride cannot control you. Warriors get wounded and bleed sometimes, and that doesn't mean they aren't warriors anymore. Say what you mean, not what you think we want to hear. Don't run from conflict, communicate. You too, must grow up.

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The really frustrating part about all of this is that we are a bright & fast-learning species. We can be teachable, flexible, resourceful. We have the capacity to feel. We have the potential to be builders, thinkers, observers, artists, counselors, and inventors. But some days, the world seems to be overpopulated with boys who shave & girls who are 27 going on 14. Teachers playing the "because I said so and I'm older so I'm right" game with students. It's a shame. We're all better than that. The world deserves better from us.

When people are interested in living life in a forward fashion, they accumulate wisdom from their  experiences & apply that wisdom as often as the chance presents itself. Growth and humility happen there. It is a place of maturation. When people are focused on living a life filled with nostalgia and what ifs, they live life backwards & are constantly unhappy. This is either because they live in regret or fear or a paralyzing cocktail of both. Stagnancy & regression happen there. So why do so many of us hang out in the city of pity parties and if only-s? Why do we insist on living in the former tense? We deserve better from ourselves.

Conversations We aren't Having

I’ve realized recently that the quality of conversation amongst people in general is seriously sad. And of course, before I delve any further into this, I should clarify that yes, I realize not everyone has the types of conversations I’m going to outline in this post; and that yes, I acknowledge that there are people who have deep, meaningful conversations with most everyone they come into contact with. But this post is more geared toward the masses. To those of us (which is most of us) who tend to make a sharp left away from true communication (and the vulnerability that often accompanies it) and make a confident beeline for chit-chat.

Ahh chit-chat. The easy, quippy conversations that flow freely between just about any two (or more) people. The meaningless drivel we spit out, whether it’s to pass the time, form a temporary bond, or to take turns blowing hot air around the room. 

How’re you doing? How’s your week been? You finish all that homework last night? Man, I just really can’t wait for fall, you know what I mean?

All of these questions are of the chit-chat variety. All of these questions are easy to lob back & forth between classmates or colleagues, whether or not these classmates or colleagues are real friends or just school/work friends. Questions like these are asked by and can generally be answered by everyone.

You gonna study for that bio test later on? I can’t believe he made us do all the problems from the worksheet, can you? I just can’t wait for college. You think professors give this much pointless homework? Geez, why is it so cold in here?

There’s nothing to questions like these. They’re hollow. And if you think about it, most of them are complaints. Isn’t that strange? The small talk we jump to is often geared towards us expressing displeasure. Although unfortunate, it shouldn’t surprise us that chit-chat is often initiated by our unfailing desire to express our unhappiness at certain situations. Complainers never have trouble finding other complainers with which to complain. We all know the theory on misery: it loves company.

It’s so hot out there. I can’t believe we don’t have any cell phone service. Wow, could that lady be any more obnoxious? Look at all those families across the restaurant, all on their iPhones or iPads. Doesn’t anyone know how to converse with each other anymore? Hah.

We all do this. We should all stop doing this. Think of all the great conversations we aren’t having because we’re too busy having the pointless ones. Seriously, think about it. Take a quick inventory of the last few times you asked “How are you?” to someone without really caring to hear their honest answer. Think about the last few times you answered the same questions with a hasty “Good,” or “Tired,” or “Fine”; not taking the time to actually throw the ball of conversation back to the person who inquired. Scary, isn’t it?

I think we do this because somewhere along the line, our words became less important to us than they should have. I think we do this because it has become normal to change our minds, be noncommittal, be liars. So many people say things they don’t mean. Things they know they should say because those things are expected, so people mutter these expected things, but then their actions promptly convey the opposite. These people expect credit for spouting off the things that one should say, yet they don’t really mean them. That’s probably where the saying actions speak louder than words came from, don’t you think? People got fed up with words being meaningless, so they made a saying emphasizing that it is less about what you say and more about what you do.

Which of course makes sense. Obviously what we do proves where our intentions lie. Where our hearts are invested. And that is perfectly acceptable; however, I believe words should mean something. Clarification: would I believe someone loved me if they just said they did, or if they did things that proved that they did? In this case, and in many cases, I’ll admit that actions are better. Actions are proof that behind our words lay truth. But this is an entirely different topic which I’ll unpack at another time.

Ok, let’s refocus. I’m talking about the lost art of conversation. The lost art of expressing feelings, thoughts, ideas. Arguments. Compliments. Questions. When did we get so self involved that we forgot how to have transparent discussions? When did we forget that the best way to get to know someone is to listen to them? How can we do this if we’re busy filling each others’ ears with mindless chit-chat? The answer is simple: we can’t.

Yet we continue to yearn for meaningful relationships without investing the time to build them.

We are the one’s keeping meaningful relationships from ourselves. We are the ones acting counterproductively and then pouting about it. We wonder why we haven’t had a real, sincere relationship in awhile, but adamantly refuse to realize that, chances are, if our conversations suck, so will our relationships. If our conversations are shallow, so too will be our relationships.

Why do we do this to ourselves? How can we fix it? How can we have the conversations that will lead to the types of relationships we all want to have?

Practice. Listen. Ask questions that matter, then stick around for the answers. Listen some more. Ask more questions. Think. Think of the person you’re speaking with, consider where they’re coming from, their social, ethical, and moral posture. Approach people with open ears. Put down your cell phone, iPad, Nintendo DS, whatever. We can’t have meaningful conversations if we’re only half paying attention. Approach conversation in the precise way you wish others would engage with you. Don’t be the jerk who messes around playing Angry Birds while someone is trying to communicate with you. Don’t be the jerk who asks a question and then tunes out the answer because you weren’t expecting the answer to be that long. Don’t be the person who barks out one word answers. Explain, express, elaborate. We owe it to ourselves to have the conversations we haven't been having.