Conversations We aren't Having

I’ve realized recently that the quality of conversation amongst people in general is seriously sad. And of course, before I delve any further into this, I should clarify that yes, I realize not everyone has the types of conversations I’m going to outline in this post; and that yes, I acknowledge that there are people who have deep, meaningful conversations with most everyone they come into contact with. But this post is more geared toward the masses. To those of us (which is most of us) who tend to make a sharp left away from true communication (and the vulnerability that often accompanies it) and make a confident beeline for chit-chat.

Ahh chit-chat. The easy, quippy conversations that flow freely between just about any two (or more) people. The meaningless drivel we spit out, whether it’s to pass the time, form a temporary bond, or to take turns blowing hot air around the room. 

How’re you doing? How’s your week been? You finish all that homework last night? Man, I just really can’t wait for fall, you know what I mean?

All of these questions are of the chit-chat variety. All of these questions are easy to lob back & forth between classmates or colleagues, whether or not these classmates or colleagues are real friends or just school/work friends. Questions like these are asked by and can generally be answered by everyone.

You gonna study for that bio test later on? I can’t believe he made us do all the problems from the worksheet, can you? I just can’t wait for college. You think professors give this much pointless homework? Geez, why is it so cold in here?

There’s nothing to questions like these. They’re hollow. And if you think about it, most of them are complaints. Isn’t that strange? The small talk we jump to is often geared towards us expressing displeasure. Although unfortunate, it shouldn’t surprise us that chit-chat is often initiated by our unfailing desire to express our unhappiness at certain situations. Complainers never have trouble finding other complainers with which to complain. We all know the theory on misery: it loves company.

It’s so hot out there. I can’t believe we don’t have any cell phone service. Wow, could that lady be any more obnoxious? Look at all those families across the restaurant, all on their iPhones or iPads. Doesn’t anyone know how to converse with each other anymore? Hah.

We all do this. We should all stop doing this. Think of all the great conversations we aren’t having because we’re too busy having the pointless ones. Seriously, think about it. Take a quick inventory of the last few times you asked “How are you?” to someone without really caring to hear their honest answer. Think about the last few times you answered the same questions with a hasty “Good,” or “Tired,” or “Fine”; not taking the time to actually throw the ball of conversation back to the person who inquired. Scary, isn’t it?

I think we do this because somewhere along the line, our words became less important to us than they should have. I think we do this because it has become normal to change our minds, be noncommittal, be liars. So many people say things they don’t mean. Things they know they should say because those things are expected, so people mutter these expected things, but then their actions promptly convey the opposite. These people expect credit for spouting off the things that one should say, yet they don’t really mean them. That’s probably where the saying actions speak louder than words came from, don’t you think? People got fed up with words being meaningless, so they made a saying emphasizing that it is less about what you say and more about what you do.

Which of course makes sense. Obviously what we do proves where our intentions lie. Where our hearts are invested. And that is perfectly acceptable; however, I believe words should mean something. Clarification: would I believe someone loved me if they just said they did, or if they did things that proved that they did? In this case, and in many cases, I’ll admit that actions are better. Actions are proof that behind our words lay truth. But this is an entirely different topic which I’ll unpack at another time.

Ok, let’s refocus. I’m talking about the lost art of conversation. The lost art of expressing feelings, thoughts, ideas. Arguments. Compliments. Questions. When did we get so self involved that we forgot how to have transparent discussions? When did we forget that the best way to get to know someone is to listen to them? How can we do this if we’re busy filling each others’ ears with mindless chit-chat? The answer is simple: we can’t.

Yet we continue to yearn for meaningful relationships without investing the time to build them.

We are the one’s keeping meaningful relationships from ourselves. We are the ones acting counterproductively and then pouting about it. We wonder why we haven’t had a real, sincere relationship in awhile, but adamantly refuse to realize that, chances are, if our conversations suck, so will our relationships. If our conversations are shallow, so too will be our relationships.

Why do we do this to ourselves? How can we fix it? How can we have the conversations that will lead to the types of relationships we all want to have?

Practice. Listen. Ask questions that matter, then stick around for the answers. Listen some more. Ask more questions. Think. Think of the person you’re speaking with, consider where they’re coming from, their social, ethical, and moral posture. Approach people with open ears. Put down your cell phone, iPad, Nintendo DS, whatever. We can’t have meaningful conversations if we’re only half paying attention. Approach conversation in the precise way you wish others would engage with you. Don’t be the jerk who messes around playing Angry Birds while someone is trying to communicate with you. Don’t be the jerk who asks a question and then tunes out the answer because you weren’t expecting the answer to be that long. Don’t be the person who barks out one word answers. Explain, express, elaborate. We owe it to ourselves to have the conversations we haven't been having.