For the past four years I've had a pretty consistent nightly routine in the weeks before school starts: I promise myself I'll start going to bed at a decent hour, make plans with friends, immediately break my 'early to bed' promise, stay up way too late, and then finally in the early morning hours of the next day, sleep.
And then the terror comes.
My back-to-school nightmares are pretty remarkable. Not in the sense that they make me feel like a fortune-telling gypsy, but in the sense that they are so vivid & so intense. People say they have strong imaginations, and I too have had my fair share of bizarre dreams....dreams that would never in a million years be possible because they involve Spongebob and I starting a food fight and then Patrick comes in screaming, saying I'm three weeks behind on the pizza orders and then my dream zooms out and I've taken the form of Gary. No wonder I'm behind on the pizza orders. I'm a snail. Waking up from dreams like that usually doesn't phase me...I laugh at how weird that was, take about 17 seconds to try & figure out what I was doing the day before that might have inspired such strangeness, and then go about starting my day. But the back-to-school nightmares are an entirely different beast.
In these nightmares, I'm at work. In my classroom, surrounded by eager, new, 11th grade students. Weird, right? I've never been shy about expressing really intense love for my job, so the fact that these nighttime horrors occur at a place I am so grateful to be seems backwards. But there I am. I'm teaching, sometimes from the front of the class, sometimes speaking one-on-one with a student, when all of the sudden I lose my mind. I fly off the handle. I scream. Throw things. Make kids cry, then laugh in their faces. I taunt them, I verbally abuse them, and in my dreams I swear to you..I feel nothing. It's as if the real me completely disappears and is replaced by a demon-woman who is hell bent on making every single day miserable for every single one of her students. I become cruel. An enraged shrew. And Dream Me loves it. She loves watching the confused flood of emotions overtake her students' faces. Humiliation and embarrassment are her favorites. She feeds off the weak and terrorizes the weaker. She's a monster.
It is not an exaggeration to tell you that I wake up from these dreams gasping for air, tears running down my cheeks. In those first seconds of being awake I experience a feeling of relief so tangible it's jarring. It isn't real, calm down. Breathe.
What blows my mind is that Dream Me could not be farther from Real Life Me. I have no idea why my mind goes there, every stinking year, especially since I have mad love for my students. I can honestly say I've never, ever been tempted to do anything to a student in real life that Dream Me has lavished upon her dream students. So where does it come from? How come, after four back-to-school August's, the nightmares not only reoccur, but gain intensity? Ugh.
On the bright side though, every year I meet my students and am incapable of adequately expressing how much I appreciate & admire them. In fact, it's almost like there's a connection between how terrible my dreams are and how awesome my kids are. (It isn't exactly a science, but I do have proof to support my theory.) Seriously though, I have crazy creative, intelligent, & hilarious kiddos. And every year, I am so blown away by what they are capable of and what they are willing to share with me & their classmates. It's unbelievable.
I created a brief survey that I asked my 185 students (yes, you read that right...185 students) to complete on the first day of school. Sidebar: it was the first year I did it electronically, which, let me tell you, was way more convenient for me than the old-school worksheet method. I was able to read each individual's response on a spreadsheet, and I just finished going through that spreadsheet about 30 minutes ago. These kids, man. I'm telling you. In addition to some very heart-felt and honest responses, some of my questions got wacky answers, which I found super entertaining. Here's a couple gems:
In response to the question, what do I need to know about you?
- I'm a very charismatic person. Charm to spare.
- I laugh at almost everything- it's highly inconvenient in many situations.
- I really wish I was ambidextrous
- I love Dance Moms
- I tolerate school
- I'm in band. That's it. That's all there is to know. Seriously.
- I am 95% chicken nugget
Needless to say, it looks like it'll be another rockin' year in room 111. This group is already showing me who they are, and willing to interact with one another. I can't wait to get to know them & teach 'em some literary greatness & show the importance of doing what you love. And the best part? I know they'll teach me a bunch of stuff too :).
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