"Nice Guys Finish Last"

[In the name of full disclosure: for some of my high school readers, this post may be unsavory because you have yet to get past the “all I want is a bad boy” phase. And that’s ok. You’ll get over that eventually. For those of you who continue to seek out jerks, the truth is that you’re aren’t mature enough for the kind of relationship you swear you want. If you want a true, healthy relationship, you will not find it where you’re currently looking. When you date a jerk, you’re robbing yourself of what you want. Jerks put themselves first and don’t have time for communication or compromise. True, healthy relationships do not wear jerks’ faces and have jerks’ attitudes.]

“I wasn’t mean; I wasn’t evil. I was nice. And let me tell you, a hesitant man is the last thing a woman needs. She needs a lover and a warrior, not a Really Nice Guy” (J. Eldredge).

Nice. It’s so…blah. Neutral. Just the sound of the word is boring. If a friend of mine is describing the guy she’s dating and the best she can do is tell me he’s nice, I’m immediately wondering why she’s settling.

We have the wrong idea about nice guys. So many of us say we want to be treated well, be respected, have passion, real passion with someone. But what makes us so sure that a nice guy is the answer? Why do we hang our hats on the idea that if a guy is just nice, that’s enough?

Nice isn’t enough. Nice is flimsy.

In the same way that I hope never to be summed up as merely a nice woman, the men I date and the man I will someday marry will not be simply nice. They will care about things, have personality. Be responsible. Just as I hope to be described as enthusiastic, he will be bold and make decisions. Just as I hope to be called fiercely sincere, he’ll have what it takes to tell me when I’m wrong. Just as I hope to help him be better, he’ll help me be better. Just as I will be not be a doormat, he will not be a compliant yes man. We will not be just another nice couple.

Women often think that as long as the men they date aren’t awful, they’ll do. They’ll suffice. As long as some women can point to another man out there and say: at least my boyfriend isn’t like that guy, they think they’ve got a keeper. A nice keeper they’ll settle for.

Thinking about all of this is good because it reminds me to be more than nice. Reminds me to be better. To find things I care about and pursue them wholeheartedly. To talk to people honestly, considerately. To put myself second. To be passionate. To listen. To own up to mistakes.

I want to be a person someone’s proud to be with. Not a woman who’s settled for. And I won’t be with someone who’s nice simply because he’s better than the loser sitting next to him. I won’t be convinced that nice is as good as it gets. And I hope you won’t be either.

Time for the clarification game.

-No, I’m not saying that women are incapable of making decisions for themselves. I’m saying that women should appreciate a man who knows what he wants and is bold enough to say so. A man who is bold enough to tell the truth even when it isn’t popular. A man who doesn’t hem and haw. A man who steps up and speaks up.

-No, I’m not insinuating that people who would say that nice is among other qualities their boyfriend or girlfriend has must be idiots. I’m saying someone shouldn’t date a person merely because he or she isn’t a jerk. A man whose personality is summed up by a word as cheap as nice.

-No, I’m not assuming that everyone who’s ever been called nice is a hesitant loser. I’m saying there should be more to men and women than easy-going temperaments.